Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Penguins, are they really birds? No body knows, in fact, many people believe penguins are mechanical warlords who have united the races in their black and white colors creating the ultimate bicentennial android.

Hi, I’m Dr. Ellefson, and I work for the national front of Penguins in the boxer shorts of life. Is your elastic bothering you? Do you feel queasy when you sit down quickly after a malt shake with chocolate bits that are just a bit too big to be believed but soft enough to be loved? Well then I have the solution for you.

Its called PENGISLUT. Combining the magical world of penguins and sluts this new product brings all the beauty of Antarctica without any of the STD’s! Too good to be true? Well before you start hatin’ maybe you should ask yourself this, what is a cosmical galaxy for and why did my dad give me twenty bucks for his Porsche?

The answer is obvious, it is you that is lying. Lying to yourself, your dad never owned a Porsche and he sure as hell didn’t love you enough to give you twenty bucks. Hell he didn’t even stay long enough to make an impression on you, or your gold fish. Skimpy the gold fish, do you remember him?

You do, and it hurts just like it was yesterday. That’s the last time you overfeed your fish, but its too late. Death, you can’t run away from that, its like surprise pregnancy, shocking and surprising. I thought I ate too many oreo’s but it turns out I had twins! Talk about incandescent planning.

So why invest in emotional relationships, heartbreak and heartache? A wise man once said, “I’m very wise”. He was right. He was on PENGISLUT.

But only a feeble minded twat like yourself could imagine such incoherent messages such as “I’m living la vida loca” and “My hips don’t lie” to actually be pop culture offerings of smitten love birds with IQ deficiency. To understand the true meaning of such ingenious plots of world domination only the caffeine ridden sexiplex of PENGISLUT will do.

Combining the world of ergoeconomics and quantum physics I have developed the solution to man’s longest standing question. Why am I here, and where are my pants? PENGISLUT also addresses man’s longest sitting question, Why am I here and where are my pants? (while sitting down)

Other companies claim they’re product is the best, but both you and I know that our premium price justifies a superior product, just like Woodstock. The music was so worth the mass gathering. And the hippie movement truly did change the world.

But what is a moustache you ask? Is it not more than a sweeping broom atop the upper ridge of a man/incredibly undesirable woman’s lip? In fact it is more than just that, it is Lolita, the movie, in 3D – but without the glasses.

But that’s not all, purchase one pack of PENGISLUT now and get a limited edition handbook to the movie Jaws – “How to avoid death by denture”.

PENGISLUT is approved by the FDA (Franz Dueller Approval) with an overall rating of F for Fantastic. And like all things in Antarctica, PENGISLUT is melting.

Act now, or forever regret your demise into dementia unguided by the willowing path of the sacred Penguin mind and stroking Slut hand. Much like mom’s cooking, it’s not to be missed.

Thank you for watching and remember, life is like a box of chocolates, but if you’re on PENGISLUT, its like a box of chocolates. Charlie Sheen rocks.

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