TALK TO THE HAND…

…‘Cause I’m a highly evolved mutant symbiotic organism and that’s where my ears are, in the palm of my hand.

Some people might find this disadvantageous, and indeed it does have its drawbacks, but the positives far out weigh the negatives.

I think it best to begin with the drawbacks. I would have to say probably the worst consequence is the inability to enjoy the seemingly popular act of the “high-five”, the slapping of the palms of two distinct individuals in celebration of a recent victorious occasion, such as the apprehension of a woman in one’s chambers in the case of a man or a parody of the shallowness of man in celebrating the apprehension of a woman in one’s chambers while in fact the man slept alone with a blow up doll in the case of a woman.

However, shaking hands can sometimes be enjoyable, especially with a Lebanese man with sweaty palms eager to show his pseudo-alpha male status through a needlessly firm grip that threatens the very foundation of the molecular structure of the receiving end’s metacarpal structure. The sweatiness and vacuum of air make for an enjoyable listening experience, sort of like the sound of the ocean in a seashell.

I greatly dislike drinking sparkling water or soda of any kind.

Push-ups are incredibly frustrating as are most upper body exercises, resulting with my boasting a fantastic lower physique but practically non-existent upper torso significance. This not only makes it difficult to attract females of the human race but mating becomes even more incredibly awkward for a myriad of reasons I leave to your skillful imagination.

However apart from those major flops in the movie of my life the rest is a two-thumbs up Siskel and Ebert extravaganza.

Counting money is a joy in and of itself. However paired with the ability to both touch and hear the bills as they course their way through your hand is more satisfying than unchallenged dictatorship, and this pleasure would bring a healthy boost to the economy as all would be more inclined to hustle for a living instead of rely on quick money making schemes; bank transfers make no sound.

Fistfights also become the method of choice for settling disputes. Once the mind is set and the palm is closed the ears can’t hear the sound of inflicted pain therefore allowing one to complete his/her course of action without wasted hesitation due to pity. This not only decreases death but also burns calories decreasing the risk of heart attack.

Death of innocent bystanders in gunfights, drive by’s, or in states of war and strife are reduced to a probability of approximately 0.132% as guns are an open hand palm to stem mechanism that all will find undesirable; the recoil is a killer. This extends into the realm of handheld weaponry, or street coined “bludgeoning and stabbing devices”, such as the club, knife, sickle and steel girder to name a few.

This leaves me with the final scenario of the need to rebel to satisfy the need for individuality, versus the resulting conformity through rebellion to satisfy the need to belong and its obvious negatives.

Youth will be able to raise a clenched fist to the air showing dissent however clenching of the fist will render them deaf to the baseless words of so-called leaders who speak only to satisfy the need to make up for their lack of girth in the manhood department, as many currently do in Lebanon.

The above advantages will usher in an era of peace much needed in Lebanon.

Alternatively, a series of gentlemen’s agreements or charismatic wise speakers could do the same, however Tupac Shakur was killed in 1996 and Lebanon has yet to provide an answer.

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Read my column every Saturday in the Daily Star! Pick up the next one Saturday Feb 12 2011: I Love Booty