Friday, June 3, 2011

A Guide to Losing a Woman

Today you are lucky because I am going to give you some incredible insight into the world of BS, but let’s make this clear this is not a BS I love you situation, this is more like please girlfriend can you cease talking because my ear drum wants to commit suicide but has no opposable thumbs and what am I doing with you and I don’t even know who you are anymore situation.

Let’s begin with how to ask a girl out:

Hi, I saw you there from across the room, and since I obviously have 20/20 vision as I have demonstrated by capitalizing on the image that was deciphered by my retina, iris, oblongata, into my cerebellum and transmitted to my neuron response system of the galactic federation of love in my pants how about you and I go out for drinks and then begin a long term relationship where you can reduce my independence into a series of fictional events where I believe I am a man but I am in fact simply whipped into emotional slavery and subject to your mood swings and irrational thought process.

She will obviously accept and you must then take her to dinner. Here are a few sentences you should keep in mind and use at random amazing moments:

1. Would you like some of my soup? No? Please? It’s missing something only your lips could add, deliciousness.

2. Food is food and that’s amazing, but with the right company it can become, a memory.

3. Do you mind if I hold your hand for a bit? I have heartburn only your touch could cure.

Next you have to meet the parents, here are some fantastic sentences to charm the people that will have to one day decide whether or not you are fit to reproduce with their daughter:

1. It’s such a pleasure and an honor to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you, and may I add that your daughter is a fantastic product of a once burning desire you both shared on a night many years ago?

2. Sir, I would do anything for your daughter, I would die for her and only the Lord knows I would spend every waking moment to the sheer dedication of her happiness. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I contemplate suicide, haha just kidding sir! But wasn’t the build up and timing great? No? Too soon?

3. M’am may I say I, with all due respect, see where your daughter gets her looks and I would like to congratulate you because beneath your plastic surgery I can see that she might even have some of her looks from you and not just her beautiful aunt sitting next to you. Haha! What? No one can take a joke here?

Then you have to deal with the break up. This is very tricky as she will most definitely use incredibly strong arguments that are so amazing some might dismiss them as lies, but let’s remember these are from a woman and they must make sense and you are a man so you obviously couldn’t possibly be wrong.

Here is a list of lines women will use:

It’s not you it’s me, I just don’t feel the same anymore, I love you but I think we should see other people to make sure our love is strong, I’m a Lesbian.

To all of these lines you have two different ways of responding. The first way is to beg for a second chance, to cry and show her that you’re ready to change. And the second one is to stage a break in, have your friend bust through the door with a hooded mask on, pump you full of bullets, fake ones of course, blood blowing out of you in high velocity rounds of special effects and you hit the floor, but before you go for the fake death finale look her in the eyes and I say, “I will miss you…” and drop dead. She will burst into tears and mourn you of course because this will get her more attention and is an amazing bonus to her life long goal of garnering attention. Eventually she will forget you, move on, hook up with another dude, approximately 12 to 14 days after your staged death, and then praise him for being there for her and being so open minded to let her keep a picture of you in her house.

Then at her wedding you stage a come back like Tupac but instead of releasing songs your release a swarm of locusts heralding this as the moment of the second coming of Christ and that the lord sent you to the earth to warn humanity and since she is the bane of all evil you thought you would start the message here.

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