I want to tell you a secret.

My friend can open doors. There I said it, I swore I would never tell anyone, but some secrets are just too difficult to hold in. Like watergate, when Elvis Presley was caught smuggling gates through the panama canal using his hound dog song as a distraction to keep the security forces of the Panamanian hound dog brigade at bay. That was a secret that JFK paid dearly for keeping, dearly.

But what is a secret? Is it nothing more than a chair that nobody knows about but as soon as they do everybody wants to sit in? It can also sometimes be like the mustache of Lebanese singer Melhem Barakat, a complete mystery and although everyone knows of it's existence a state of denial would be the best form of attack against the potential brain damage the true understanding of such tomfoolery could cause.

My father always said, different quote worthy things. But none of them were secretive so I won't share them with you, after all you didn't buy this paper to find out something you already knew, you want something that nobody knows, something you can call your friends up and go, "Bro, you won't believe this, this is bigger than your ego".

So here it is. I can fly. And I can eat donuts. But flying is what I am sure will impress you more. Now I know you might think flying is not big deal, it was bound to happen, but here is the killer, its because of flying that I have all my material as a stand up comic.

Its like God once told me in a dream, I am God, flying is just as intense. There is a whole different world up there than the one down here, up there the air is different and the hit and run accidents are far more frequent. But only the pilots on Middle East Airlines laugh when they do it, the rest keep silent cursing their existence and knowing their lives will never be the same having taken the life of an innocent human simply because Boeing made them.

Airbus wont stand for it though and they have anti drive by release mechanisms that cause a reverse primordial shock wave to course through the heavens, or as we like to call it, home, pushing away all that may be in danger.

Boeing on the other hand claim the sky is theirs and they refuse to share it with the winged. But that's ok because we wont fly for it any longer. As you are reading this Boeing is being destroyed. Don't believe me? Turn on your TV, what do you see? Exactly, Mini Studio reruns, we just won.

Right now children across Lebanon are being turned into slaves as we spread our propaganda through their brains, in the most evil form there is, French.

It is as real as Highlander and you know there can only be one. So I want you to repeat after me, I am akin to the winged, they are our maste... DO IT! I'm not playing around here! Ok fine, you won't do it?

Then you only have one choice, if you want to save your children, and even your neighbor's children although you hate them and they make too much noise, you have only one last resort. Go now to any Virgin Megastore branch in Lebanon, and buy tickets for you and your friends to my brand new show EPIC which will be at the Casino du Liban on April 8 and 9.

Now wasn't that much more fun than a boring hey go check out my show ploy? You're welcome.

PENGISLUT

Penguins, are they really birds? No body knows, in fact, many people believe penguins are mechanical warlords who have united the races in their black and white colors creating the ultimate bicentennial android.

Hi, I’m Dr. Ellefson, and I work for the national front of Penguins in the boxer shorts of life. Is your elastic bothering you? Do you feel queasy when you sit down quickly after a malt shake with chocolate bits that are just a bit too big to be believed but soft enough to be loved? Well then I have the solution for you.

Its called PENGISLUT. Combining the magical world of penguins and sluts this new product brings all the beauty of Antarctica without any of the STD’s! Too good to be true? Well before you start hatin’ maybe you should ask yourself this, what is a cosmical galaxy for and why did my dad give me twenty bucks for his Porsche?

The answer is obvious, it is you that is lying. Lying to yourself, your dad never owned a Porsche and he sure as hell didn’t love you enough to give you twenty bucks. Hell he didn’t even stay long enough to make an impression on you, or your gold fish. Skimpy the gold fish, do you remember him?

You do, and it hurts just like it was yesterday. That’s the last time you overfeed your fish, but its too late. Death, you can’t run away from that, its like surprise pregnancy, shocking and surprising. I thought I ate too many oreo’s but it turns out I had twins! Talk about incandescent planning.

So why invest in emotional relationships, heartbreak and heartache? A wise man once said, “I’m very wise”. He was right. He was on PENGISLUT.

But only a feeble minded twat like yourself could imagine such incoherent messages such as “I’m living la vida loca” and “My hips don’t lie” to actually be pop culture offerings of smitten love birds with IQ deficiency. To understand the true meaning of such ingenious plots of world domination only the caffeine ridden sexiplex of PENGISLUT will do.

Combining the world of ergoeconomics and quantum physics I have developed the solution to man’s longest standing question. Why am I here, and where are my pants? PENGISLUT also addresses man’s longest sitting question, Why am I here and where are my pants? (while sitting down)

Other companies claim they’re product is the best, but both you and I know that our premium price justifies a superior product, just like Woodstock. The music was so worth the mass gathering. And the hippie movement truly did change the world.

But what is a moustache you ask? Is it not more than a sweeping broom atop the upper ridge of a man/incredibly undesirable woman’s lip? In fact it is more than just that, it is Lolita, the movie, in 3D – but without the glasses.

But that’s not all, purchase one pack of PENGISLUT now and get a limited edition handbook to the movie Jaws – “How to avoid death by denture”.

PENGISLUT is approved by the FDA (Franz Dueller Approval) with an overall rating of F for Fantastic. And like all things in Antarctica, PENGISLUT is melting.

Act now, or forever regret your demise into dementia unguided by the willowing path of the sacred Penguin mind and stroking Slut hand. Much like mom’s cooking, it’s not to be missed.

Thank you for watching and remember, life is like a box of chocolates, but if you’re on PENGISLUT, its like a box of chocolates. Charlie Sheen rocks.