PENGISLUT

Penguins, are they really birds? No body knows, in fact, many people believe penguins are mechanical warlords who have united the races in their black and white colors creating the ultimate bicentennial android.

Hi, I’m Dr. Ellefson, and I work for the national front of Penguins in the boxer shorts of life. Is your elastic bothering you? Do you feel queasy when you sit down quickly after a malt shake with chocolate bits that are just a bit too big to be believed but soft enough to be loved? Well then I have the solution for you.

Its called PENGISLUT. Combining the magical world of penguins and sluts this new product brings all the beauty of Antarctica without any of the STD’s! Too good to be true? Well before you start hatin’ maybe you should ask yourself this, what is a cosmical galaxy for and why did my dad give me twenty bucks for his Porsche?

The answer is obvious, it is you that is lying. Lying to yourself, your dad never owned a Porsche and he sure as hell didn’t love you enough to give you twenty bucks. Hell he didn’t even stay long enough to make an impression on you, or your gold fish. Skimpy the gold fish, do you remember him?

You do, and it hurts just like it was yesterday. That’s the last time you overfeed your fish, but its too late. Death, you can’t run away from that, its like surprise pregnancy, shocking and surprising. I thought I ate too many oreo’s but it turns out I had twins! Talk about incandescent planning.

So why invest in emotional relationships, heartbreak and heartache? A wise man once said, “I’m very wise”. He was right. He was on PENGISLUT.

But only a feeble minded twat like yourself could imagine such incoherent messages such as “I’m living la vida loca” and “My hips don’t lie” to actually be pop culture offerings of smitten love birds with IQ deficiency. To understand the true meaning of such ingenious plots of world domination only the caffeine ridden sexiplex of PENGISLUT will do.

Combining the world of ergoeconomics and quantum physics I have developed the solution to man’s longest standing question. Why am I here, and where are my pants? PENGISLUT also addresses man’s longest sitting question, Why am I here and where are my pants? (while sitting down)

Other companies claim they’re product is the best, but both you and I know that our premium price justifies a superior product, just like Woodstock. The music was so worth the mass gathering. And the hippie movement truly did change the world.

But what is a moustache you ask? Is it not more than a sweeping broom atop the upper ridge of a man/incredibly undesirable woman’s lip? In fact it is more than just that, it is Lolita, the movie, in 3D – but without the glasses.

But that’s not all, purchase one pack of PENGISLUT now and get a limited edition handbook to the movie Jaws – “How to avoid death by denture”.

PENGISLUT is approved by the FDA (Franz Dueller Approval) with an overall rating of F for Fantastic. And like all things in Antarctica, PENGISLUT is melting.

Act now, or forever regret your demise into dementia unguided by the willowing path of the sacred Penguin mind and stroking Slut hand. Much like mom’s cooking, it’s not to be missed.

Thank you for watching and remember, life is like a box of chocolates, but if you’re on PENGISLUT, its like a box of chocolates. Charlie Sheen rocks.

A Brothel in Egypt?

Now I don't know about you but something tells me Egypt has been pretty busy these past few weeks! I know because I graduated from the AUB with a doctorate in identifying the obvious and sciences.

While everyone is focused on what is going on in Egypt politically, we seem to be giving no attention to what Egypt is most famous for; legends and food poisoning. I'll just deal with the legend side for now as I have a legend to share!

In 2007 I visited Egypt to be a guest on a show on MBC called "Adam". It was an incredible show of titans and legen- it was a talk show. You can actually see the video posted on my YouTube channel! Visit www.YouTube.com/enjoylifeingeneral and checkout not only that video but tens of others! (don't you love shameless plugs?)

I was assigned a driver to show me around at the time and as I understand as much Egyptian dialect as Israel understands basic human rights I was in for a heck of a drive.

At one point he asked me if I wanted to see anything in particular in Egypt, suggesting I visit "Al Haram", haram pronounced with a weak h means pyramid. I thought it meant harem, which is a glorified brothel.

So I quickly replied no thank you as I have a girlfriend. He looked very puzzled and asked what having a girlfriend has to do with going to the haram? "Obviously you've never dated a Lebanese woman" I replied to which he stared at me blankly. "Why don't you show me the pyramids?" I quickly asked, motioning a triangle with my hands.

"That is the haram" he replied. "The haram is in the pyramid?!" I exclaimed. "Yes! Yes it is!" "How do we get there?" I asked. "By Horse!", he replied excitedly. I should mention at this point in time we were both a bit confused. My mind was racing wildly picturing going into a brothel on horse back in a pyramid as men chose their woman and retired to one of the many lavish chambers.

I dashed to my phone and called my now past girlfriend, "Listen", I said in a compassionate tone, "I don't want you to get mad, but I'm going to a brothel and before you go crazy the only reason I'm doing this is because here they have brothels IN the pyramids! And you go on horseback!" She enthusiastically urged me on and made me promise to take pictures, of course that was all I was permitted to do.

We then rushed to the haram and I paid a ridiculous amount to rent a horse but i didn't care! The horse's name was Rambo, what a fitting name for such a manly adventure! We galloped towards the pyramids; my guide, Rambo and I, and within minutes we arrived.

My guide stopped his steed, as did I, and stared at the pyramid. I stared at him blankly. "Where is the haram?" I exclaimed. "This is the haram" he said confusingly pointing to a gargantuan pyramid right in front of me. "Where are the women?!" I shouted feeling cheated and betrayed. "Women?!" said my guide even more baffled than before.

"Yes the women of the haram! I was promised I would see women inside the pyramid!" I shouted back. "This is the haram" said my guide pointing to the pyramid, "why are you..." then we both realized what had happened. Definitely not of the highlights of my life as a cultured human being, but it was legendary!

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Read my column every Saturday in the Daily Star! Pick up the next one Saturday Feb 26 2011: They're on Acid so they must die.

I LOVE BOOTY

I don’t live, I live love, love through bicentennial romance of a quintessential song dance, a reminiscent globe trot inside an incandescent rose blot. A forty-year-old joke fought with a twenty-year-old hoax over a tab in a car left by the coat jock.

But only one man rose from the ashes to claim his prize and his name was serenity inside his eyes. He lived long but prospered little, in the ways of women he was considered fiddle. Crimson thunder streaked ‘cross the sky and in her name was rendered shy.

Like mizu to a mirage, wakarimasita-ka? She was out of reach held asunder by a pushup bra. Supporting nothing more than a vivid dream in a brazzers seam and a pristine gleam, suddenly, life more obscene was just a proper angle shot in a movie scene.

A profile picture and a tweeting twitcher, orchestrated to the finest pitcher, inside a fork of twang and the thighs and fangs of a gleaming twilight blunder.

Oh how life deals decks of cards and sex but never falters to leave the steps of wonder beyond us. What could have been or what would have been, questions left to haunt us as the mind creeps up inside our steel plaid cups left half full or half empty, but never plenty.

A curvaceous figure none beg to differ but many plot to quiver. In seeking heat and passion’s feast all shall sacrifice their liver.

Do not despair there is no care nor wonder left to fondle, as long as seats will ground their chairs and whip their emotional strong-hold. Through denial’s state we fluctuate like market crises reverberate, I do not care I have no hair but my bank account follicles.

And sometimes there, over there, far, far away, the sheep cried wolf and yet it hugged the assailant. Holding tight it feigned the bites of the eyes that reigned to taint it. But love was strong and so the bond broke through conventional stroke and chatterbox folk in geriatric paced derangement.

And the result? A wolf is tamed but born again inside his answer.

How often we seek and in friendship defeat the purpose of our masked intentions. To only find we are trapped and confined inside a hopeless concession. A disowned ghetto a Jared Leto and dolled up steel stilettos, all one and the same some true some bane but all deserve attention.

If life was but a memory, a collection of thoughts in felony, stolen moments in fleeting cars and convertible Molotov bizarres, how simple a measure of worth would be if scales tipped and sexes dipped in tea-bag like fixed hegemony.

She woke one day and to her dismay her infatuated state of concern had run astray, inside her mind she was at bay but never felt the blunder; or was it just the memory that stung like misguided tremory from a tectonic shift in a plate imbalance of wounded personality? An ego booed is an ego fooled but thicker in the fire. Once it burns it trickles ferns yet crackles in desire.

So in simplicity I lay and wonder how easy it is to live love when love is smarter, detached from emotional understanding of what is proper and in tune with intelligent understanding of what is emotion. And in that light I do respite as I can simply manifest, it is no secret when I confess, that damn it I love booty.

Happy Valentines Day

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Read my column every Saturday in the Daily Star! Pick up the next one Saturday Feb 119 2011: A Brothel in Egypt?

TALK TO THE HAND…

…‘Cause I’m a highly evolved mutant symbiotic organism and that’s where my ears are, in the palm of my hand.

Some people might find this disadvantageous, and indeed it does have its drawbacks, but the positives far out weigh the negatives.

I think it best to begin with the drawbacks. I would have to say probably the worst consequence is the inability to enjoy the seemingly popular act of the “high-five”, the slapping of the palms of two distinct individuals in celebration of a recent victorious occasion, such as the apprehension of a woman in one’s chambers in the case of a man or a parody of the shallowness of man in celebrating the apprehension of a woman in one’s chambers while in fact the man slept alone with a blow up doll in the case of a woman.

However, shaking hands can sometimes be enjoyable, especially with a Lebanese man with sweaty palms eager to show his pseudo-alpha male status through a needlessly firm grip that threatens the very foundation of the molecular structure of the receiving end’s metacarpal structure. The sweatiness and vacuum of air make for an enjoyable listening experience, sort of like the sound of the ocean in a seashell.

I greatly dislike drinking sparkling water or soda of any kind.

Push-ups are incredibly frustrating as are most upper body exercises, resulting with my boasting a fantastic lower physique but practically non-existent upper torso significance. This not only makes it difficult to attract females of the human race but mating becomes even more incredibly awkward for a myriad of reasons I leave to your skillful imagination.

However apart from those major flops in the movie of my life the rest is a two-thumbs up Siskel and Ebert extravaganza.

Counting money is a joy in and of itself. However paired with the ability to both touch and hear the bills as they course their way through your hand is more satisfying than unchallenged dictatorship, and this pleasure would bring a healthy boost to the economy as all would be more inclined to hustle for a living instead of rely on quick money making schemes; bank transfers make no sound.

Fistfights also become the method of choice for settling disputes. Once the mind is set and the palm is closed the ears can’t hear the sound of inflicted pain therefore allowing one to complete his/her course of action without wasted hesitation due to pity. This not only decreases death but also burns calories decreasing the risk of heart attack.

Death of innocent bystanders in gunfights, drive by’s, or in states of war and strife are reduced to a probability of approximately 0.132% as guns are an open hand palm to stem mechanism that all will find undesirable; the recoil is a killer. This extends into the realm of handheld weaponry, or street coined “bludgeoning and stabbing devices”, such as the club, knife, sickle and steel girder to name a few.

This leaves me with the final scenario of the need to rebel to satisfy the need for individuality, versus the resulting conformity through rebellion to satisfy the need to belong and its obvious negatives.

Youth will be able to raise a clenched fist to the air showing dissent however clenching of the fist will render them deaf to the baseless words of so-called leaders who speak only to satisfy the need to make up for their lack of girth in the manhood department, as many currently do in Lebanon.

The above advantages will usher in an era of peace much needed in Lebanon.

Alternatively, a series of gentlemen’s agreements or charismatic wise speakers could do the same, however Tupac Shakur was killed in 1996 and Lebanon has yet to provide an answer.

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Read my column every Saturday in the Daily Star! Pick up the next one Saturday Feb 12 2011: I Love Booty

Naked Exposure

Exposure. Who would’ve thought one word representing an ever complex and growing concept could take this world by storm more than religion itself, be more desirable than a woman in our oldest profession could ever dream to make you feel, or grab you dead center like the weight of an anvil caught between your chest and the air.

Seems all everyone cares about these days is exposure, the secret ticket, the magic bullet, with exposure, everything is possible. Whether it’s Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton literally laying it all bare to entice their careers or, hey wait a second, why the classic drawl on Hollywood superstars? Take a look at our Kim Kardashians and Paris Hiltons, and no they’re not just women, our male and female (just like our friends overseas) members of the so-called social elite do it all the time.

Whether you’re actually a signed artist or in the same league, seems all it takes to get you there these days is a methodical approach to popping bottles in the early hours of the morning in a club. It’s all about the hook up. Who you know and how fast you can get it, determines how high you’ve climbed, it also determines in many cases “who” you’ve climbed as well.

Please don’t mistaken this to be an attack, no rather this is homage, to the one social concept that underlines practically everything everyone does. Yes, everyone.

Everyone has an opinion and everyone isn’t content until its heard, and all anyone needs these days is presentation. If it looks good it must be legit, right? Think about it, if Kim was ugly who would care? And if a blog page, tweet or FaceBook status is ugly, or to bring it more into context is not “viral-worthy”, who cares?

The most legit are those who follow the flow of the status quo, the mass, those willing to bank on against the tide will often be screwed. And that’s actually pretty damn fun to watch, because sometimes it works out and oh boy what a shift in the tide it is!

But let’s get back on topic here, exposure. It sells the world, its what fills up the mosques and churches, sells the product, brings in the votes, accumulates the wealth, brings in the numbers.

Exposure, fame, notoriety, popularity, all one and the same, all finally measurable to a more or less extent in our brand new beautiful digital world, measurable by numbers and numbers achieve desire.

I used the word desire on purpose by the way, it has somewhat of a negative connotation but that was just to throw you off, desire can be positive. Some people desire good, desire change, some people use exposure as a means to an end.

Let me put it this way, everyone wants to be friends with the person most loved and admired because that person is the most seemingly inaccessible. However you could pop more bottles in a club than Ghandi spent days on hunger strikes but unless you accomplish something its all just a fad wave we’re riding.

Exposure, a propeller driving force behind most of what’s wrong with today and some of what’s right.

So in that light, I’d like to welcome you all to my weekly bit of exposure here at the Daily Star! Hope you like it, retweet it, and spread it in the blogosphere ‘cause this is going to be one hell of a ride. The more you do the more I can measure its success, and today, measurement has just made exposure infinitely sexier. Fantastic.

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EPIC Win or EPIC Fail?

Well, it has been quite some time now, a few weeks in I have started to lose track and the tour is going strong, EPIC, it is called, and EPIC it will be, but what is the result of it all?

Stand Up Comedy as an industry is full of hurdles, I have done much in my life, worked in many industries and achieved countless victories, but I can tell you nothing has ever come close to the difficulties we are dealing with in stand up comedy, not just myself but all the comics across the Middle East I know and am meeting, its cut throat and we are dwarfed with an uphill battle unlike any other.

This tour has been no different, the Middle East is not prepared for cultural events of this kind, promoters and producers are non-existent and venues are irrationally priced. Governments have a cow when you say I don't have a script, they constantly are in fear of an industry that is not regulated, controlled and conformed, and at its essence stand up comedy is an industry regulated not by governing bodies but by crowds of laughter echoing approval or disapproval.

That is what makes Stand Up Comedy incredible, unique and beautiful, but also tough to push, its not in the favor of a lot of parties. Its not dumb and easily stupidified like our current commercial music industry.

So truly making this more than a fad or a one act avenue is taking a monumental effort.

Here is what I have gathered, in my humble opinion, on what its all really about:

1. Its NOT about just selling out shows: Although this is not an easy task, in fact selling out in the sea of alternatives is daunting, but persist long enough and prove quality and you will sell out shows, but its not enough to have sell out acts.
2. Its NOT about media interest: Press coverage, TV interviews and/or TV shows do little more than simply provide some attention and possibly some credibility, with some much more than others, but the market is so over saturated and market data is in such denial of itself media interest is close to being something I wouldn't even factor in, and I have gathered this much from not just Lebanon, but Amman, UAE, Kuwait, Cairo, and Oman.
3. Its NOT about getting an agent or representative: There is no industry for an agent or representative to take care of you in, and more importantly there are no real true to the meaning agents or representatives! (I also include managers in this description)
4. It IS about Community: In the United States, for instance, stand up comedy thrives around a community of avid comic and entertainment fans, established clubs and venues catering to this community and talent agents managers and producers constantly looking for the next big thing to expand and capitalize on this community, and of course a plethora of comics.
   

We have yet to establish our community. The only way to do so is to begin with one central focal point where interest is compacted and ebbs forward reverberating throughout its surroundings.

Lebanon has the strongest form of community for Stand Up Comedy at the moment, the most comics and the closest thing to solid venues for comedy so it only logically follows that with all of that going for it, I believe Lebanon is the best candidate for our aforementioned focal point.

EPIC was much more than just a string of shows, it was a project of discovery, a test of theory and an attempt to turn that theory into practice. I was incorrect in assuming it was too soon for our next step, and I am glad my travels thus far have proven as such.

I therefore will be making an enormous announcement in the coming days. I have decided to change my original plan for EPIC in Lebanon, maintaining the date, but creating a much different kind of animal.

I am beyond excited to share the news with you, to tell you of what I believe will be the greatest single thing to happen for the artistic community in years, but at the moment I can only tell you in the next few days I shall bear news that will capture your imagination!

EPIC Fail or EPIC Win, I vote WIN! But I shall leave you to be the judge of that :D

For now I can update you with the following, this Friday we hit Dubai and the atmosphere is super charged! I have been posting videos like crazy if you missed them checkout www.youtube.com/enjoylifeinegeneral they are on the top right, latest uploaded videos :)

Oh! And we launched a website for the tour! www.epicthetour.com check it out! Click on like to spread it on facebook and help get the word out! :D

I will be uploading some footage from the show in Amman today hopefully.

For now I bid you goodbye, but I'll see you again in a couple of days for one mother of an announcement!

One Love,

Nemr Abou Nassar - Unicorn Tamer

EPIC

It feels good to be able to put aside the time to write you all again! It has been so long, and for this, I apologize.

I am getting ready to leave on tour, this is, mind you, not only my first full on tour across the Middle East but the first time a stand up comedian takes a feature show across the Middle East ever.

This has proved to be both fantastic and a nightmare. Fantastic in that it's historical, a challenge like no other, and simply a chance to change the face of entertainment forever, again.

A nightmare when it comes to putting this together. As I am sure you can all imagine, the Middle East can prove to be somewhat difficult to traverse especially when dealing with promoters and producers who all claim to know exactly what they're doing yet prove to have but the slightest clue, if even that!

I am so thankful that I was put on the path of working with K + D entertainment, a Jordanian company without whom I could not have imagined putting on something of this scale. They have proven to be some of the most honest, straight-forward, hard working group of people I have come to know, and may I add that they have left no stone unturned and exhausted every possible resource to end up finding what I believe to be the finest people in the business to work with throughout the Middle East.

And bless them for that! I can assure you finding the right people to work with is THE nightmare!

But it has now turned into nothing but a dream! My production company, Vanguard Productions, has also been hard at work into turning this whole tour into a historic success, and with us working side by side with K + D I can only imagine what the outcome will be production wise.

We leave this Saturday for Jordan, where only five days later I am to stand up in front of a crowd of some 2,000 Jordanians (what a beautiful people), put on the best show of my life, go to sleep, and then wake up the next day and do it again!

From there it just keeps building momentum. From Jordan, to Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Oman, Bahrain, Qatar, Kuwait, Cairo and then finally Beirut.

In each city we are going to create history, with enormous shows and enormous standards to set. Just thinking about the venues I will be performing in puts a huge smile on my face and sets my heart on fire!

To think that just a few years ago I would struggle to convince a pub in Beirut to let me try out something called "Stand Up Comedy" to now, well, this.

It feels like a dream, one you would never wish to arise from. And despite the insurmountable challenges, the unending obstacles, and the fact that we are attempting what none have attempted before all of this does little more than act as a catalyst to an adrenaline rush so powerful I feel like we are going to move mountains from the very earth that bore them.

I can't even begin to imagine how things will be when this is over!

Right now though all I am focusing on is putting on the most EPIC show of my life, I cannot wait to laugh with my brothers and sisters all across the Middle East, nor can I wait for that stage romance I feel every time I step in front of a crowd as if part of a forbidden affair I am only able to experience but for an hour and a half but deems worthy of a lover I remember for a lifetime.

Coming up with the name for my new show was obviously inspired by what we had our sights on, because I did not have a doubt in my mind that we would achieve it.

But living up to the promise of the show is an endeavor I have spent every moment of the past year preparing for. Even when I was in the Improv in Los Angeles on a stage in front of a crowd of Americans who were watching a stand up comedian from the Middle East for the first time in their lives tell them about farting and airplanes in his own perspective, even then I had this tour in my mind.

I must go to sleep now but this Saturday I make my way to Jordan, and along with me are the finest people I know, they work with me in Vanguard Productions and they work for my success and I have the most love and respect for them in the world. And K + D will meet us in Jordan where we will spend the next two months working side by side to change the Middle East forever.

Now that all is prepared I am very pleased to announce the following:

A website for the tour is in its final stages and will be launched this coming week.

A video blog will document all of my travels and the shows throughout the tour and will be posted on YouTube for you to be with us every step of the way!

And I will be updating this blog on a VERY frequent basis, this shall become more or less my diary as I document a life changing experience.

For now I am left overwhelmed and speechless at the feeling of love and support you have all given me. As always I promise to give you the best night of comedy of your lives, it is the least I could do in return for the love you have shown me.

I only ask that you help spread the word, help me make a reality out of what we have dreamed of for so long. A Middle East united through its youth through love and laughter, without pathetic boundaries of politics and religion.

EPIC marks the next stage in the triumph of our collective will over the sins of our past wars and baseless disputes.

Let us invite the world to our stage, our theater, our venue, let us make the walls tremble and the ground tremor for this is our show, our time, our victory.

This is No Politics, No Religion, ONE LOVE.

THIS IS EPIC.

One Love,

Nemr Abou Nassar