A Guide to Losing a Woman

Today you are lucky because I am going to give you some incredible insight into the world of BS, but let’s make this clear this is not a BS I love you situation, this is more like please girlfriend can you cease talking because my ear drum wants to commit suicide but has no opposable thumbs and what am I doing with you and I don’t even know who you are anymore situation.

Let’s begin with how to ask a girl out:

Hi, I saw you there from across the room, and since I obviously have 20/20 vision as I have demonstrated by capitalizing on the image that was deciphered by my retina, iris, oblongata, into my cerebellum and transmitted to my neuron response system of the galactic federation of love in my pants how about you and I go out for drinks and then begin a long term relationship where you can reduce my independence into a series of fictional events where I believe I am a man but I am in fact simply whipped into emotional slavery and subject to your mood swings and irrational thought process.

She will obviously accept and you must then take her to dinner. Here are a few sentences you should keep in mind and use at random amazing moments:

1. Would you like some of my soup? No? Please? It’s missing something only your lips could add, deliciousness.

2. Food is food and that’s amazing, but with the right company it can become, a memory.

3. Do you mind if I hold your hand for a bit? I have heartburn only your touch could cure.

Next you have to meet the parents, here are some fantastic sentences to charm the people that will have to one day decide whether or not you are fit to reproduce with their daughter:

1. It’s such a pleasure and an honor to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you, and may I add that your daughter is a fantastic product of a once burning desire you both shared on a night many years ago?

2. Sir, I would do anything for your daughter, I would die for her and only the Lord knows I would spend every waking moment to the sheer dedication of her happiness. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I contemplate suicide, haha just kidding sir! But wasn’t the build up and timing great? No? Too soon?

3. M’am may I say I, with all due respect, see where your daughter gets her looks and I would like to congratulate you because beneath your plastic surgery I can see that she might even have some of her looks from you and not just her beautiful aunt sitting next to you. Haha! What? No one can take a joke here?

Then you have to deal with the break up. This is very tricky as she will most definitely use incredibly strong arguments that are so amazing some might dismiss them as lies, but let’s remember these are from a woman and they must make sense and you are a man so you obviously couldn’t possibly be wrong.

Here is a list of lines women will use:

It’s not you it’s me, I just don’t feel the same anymore, I love you but I think we should see other people to make sure our love is strong, I’m a Lesbian.

To all of these lines you have two different ways of responding. The first way is to beg for a second chance, to cry and show her that you’re ready to change. And the second one is to stage a break in, have your friend bust through the door with a hooded mask on, pump you full of bullets, fake ones of course, blood blowing out of you in high velocity rounds of special effects and you hit the floor, but before you go for the fake death finale look her in the eyes and I say, “I will miss you…” and drop dead. She will burst into tears and mourn you of course because this will get her more attention and is an amazing bonus to her life long goal of garnering attention. Eventually she will forget you, move on, hook up with another dude, approximately 12 to 14 days after your staged death, and then praise him for being there for her and being so open minded to let her keep a picture of you in her house.

Then at her wedding you stage a come back like Tupac but instead of releasing songs your release a swarm of locusts heralding this as the moment of the second coming of Christ and that the lord sent you to the earth to warn humanity and since she is the bane of all evil you thought you would start the message here.

I want to tell you a secret.

My friend can open doors. There I said it, I swore I would never tell anyone, but some secrets are just too difficult to hold in. Like watergate, when Elvis Presley was caught smuggling gates through the panama canal using his hound dog song as a distraction to keep the security forces of the Panamanian hound dog brigade at bay. That was a secret that JFK paid dearly for keeping, dearly.

But what is a secret? Is it nothing more than a chair that nobody knows about but as soon as they do everybody wants to sit in? It can also sometimes be like the mustache of Lebanese singer Melhem Barakat, a complete mystery and although everyone knows of it's existence a state of denial would be the best form of attack against the potential brain damage the true understanding of such tomfoolery could cause.

My father always said, different quote worthy things. But none of them were secretive so I won't share them with you, after all you didn't buy this paper to find out something you already knew, you want something that nobody knows, something you can call your friends up and go, "Bro, you won't believe this, this is bigger than your ego".

So here it is. I can fly. And I can eat donuts. But flying is what I am sure will impress you more. Now I know you might think flying is not big deal, it was bound to happen, but here is the killer, its because of flying that I have all my material as a stand up comic.

Its like God once told me in a dream, I am God, flying is just as intense. There is a whole different world up there than the one down here, up there the air is different and the hit and run accidents are far more frequent. But only the pilots on Middle East Airlines laugh when they do it, the rest keep silent cursing their existence and knowing their lives will never be the same having taken the life of an innocent human simply because Boeing made them.

Airbus wont stand for it though and they have anti drive by release mechanisms that cause a reverse primordial shock wave to course through the heavens, or as we like to call it, home, pushing away all that may be in danger.

Boeing on the other hand claim the sky is theirs and they refuse to share it with the winged. But that's ok because we wont fly for it any longer. As you are reading this Boeing is being destroyed. Don't believe me? Turn on your TV, what do you see? Exactly, Mini Studio reruns, we just won.

Right now children across Lebanon are being turned into slaves as we spread our propaganda through their brains, in the most evil form there is, French.

It is as real as Highlander and you know there can only be one. So I want you to repeat after me, I am akin to the winged, they are our maste... DO IT! I'm not playing around here! Ok fine, you won't do it?

Then you only have one choice, if you want to save your children, and even your neighbor's children although you hate them and they make too much noise, you have only one last resort. Go now to any Virgin Megastore branch in Lebanon, and buy tickets for you and your friends to my brand new show EPIC which will be at the Casino du Liban on April 8 and 9.

Now wasn't that much more fun than a boring hey go check out my show ploy? You're welcome.

PENGISLUT

Penguins, are they really birds? No body knows, in fact, many people believe penguins are mechanical warlords who have united the races in their black and white colors creating the ultimate bicentennial android.

Hi, I’m Dr. Ellefson, and I work for the national front of Penguins in the boxer shorts of life. Is your elastic bothering you? Do you feel queasy when you sit down quickly after a malt shake with chocolate bits that are just a bit too big to be believed but soft enough to be loved? Well then I have the solution for you.

Its called PENGISLUT. Combining the magical world of penguins and sluts this new product brings all the beauty of Antarctica without any of the STD’s! Too good to be true? Well before you start hatin’ maybe you should ask yourself this, what is a cosmical galaxy for and why did my dad give me twenty bucks for his Porsche?

The answer is obvious, it is you that is lying. Lying to yourself, your dad never owned a Porsche and he sure as hell didn’t love you enough to give you twenty bucks. Hell he didn’t even stay long enough to make an impression on you, or your gold fish. Skimpy the gold fish, do you remember him?

You do, and it hurts just like it was yesterday. That’s the last time you overfeed your fish, but its too late. Death, you can’t run away from that, its like surprise pregnancy, shocking and surprising. I thought I ate too many oreo’s but it turns out I had twins! Talk about incandescent planning.

So why invest in emotional relationships, heartbreak and heartache? A wise man once said, “I’m very wise”. He was right. He was on PENGISLUT.

But only a feeble minded twat like yourself could imagine such incoherent messages such as “I’m living la vida loca” and “My hips don’t lie” to actually be pop culture offerings of smitten love birds with IQ deficiency. To understand the true meaning of such ingenious plots of world domination only the caffeine ridden sexiplex of PENGISLUT will do.

Combining the world of ergoeconomics and quantum physics I have developed the solution to man’s longest standing question. Why am I here, and where are my pants? PENGISLUT also addresses man’s longest sitting question, Why am I here and where are my pants? (while sitting down)

Other companies claim they’re product is the best, but both you and I know that our premium price justifies a superior product, just like Woodstock. The music was so worth the mass gathering. And the hippie movement truly did change the world.

But what is a moustache you ask? Is it not more than a sweeping broom atop the upper ridge of a man/incredibly undesirable woman’s lip? In fact it is more than just that, it is Lolita, the movie, in 3D – but without the glasses.

But that’s not all, purchase one pack of PENGISLUT now and get a limited edition handbook to the movie Jaws – “How to avoid death by denture”.

PENGISLUT is approved by the FDA (Franz Dueller Approval) with an overall rating of F for Fantastic. And like all things in Antarctica, PENGISLUT is melting.

Act now, or forever regret your demise into dementia unguided by the willowing path of the sacred Penguin mind and stroking Slut hand. Much like mom’s cooking, it’s not to be missed.

Thank you for watching and remember, life is like a box of chocolates, but if you’re on PENGISLUT, its like a box of chocolates. Charlie Sheen rocks.

A Brothel in Egypt?

Now I don't know about you but something tells me Egypt has been pretty busy these past few weeks! I know because I graduated from the AUB with a doctorate in identifying the obvious and sciences.

While everyone is focused on what is going on in Egypt politically, we seem to be giving no attention to what Egypt is most famous for; legends and food poisoning. I'll just deal with the legend side for now as I have a legend to share!

In 2007 I visited Egypt to be a guest on a show on MBC called "Adam". It was an incredible show of titans and legen- it was a talk show. You can actually see the video posted on my YouTube channel! Visit www.YouTube.com/enjoylifeingeneral and checkout not only that video but tens of others! (don't you love shameless plugs?)

I was assigned a driver to show me around at the time and as I understand as much Egyptian dialect as Israel understands basic human rights I was in for a heck of a drive.

At one point he asked me if I wanted to see anything in particular in Egypt, suggesting I visit "Al Haram", haram pronounced with a weak h means pyramid. I thought it meant harem, which is a glorified brothel.

So I quickly replied no thank you as I have a girlfriend. He looked very puzzled and asked what having a girlfriend has to do with going to the haram? "Obviously you've never dated a Lebanese woman" I replied to which he stared at me blankly. "Why don't you show me the pyramids?" I quickly asked, motioning a triangle with my hands.

"That is the haram" he replied. "The haram is in the pyramid?!" I exclaimed. "Yes! Yes it is!" "How do we get there?" I asked. "By Horse!", he replied excitedly. I should mention at this point in time we were both a bit confused. My mind was racing wildly picturing going into a brothel on horse back in a pyramid as men chose their woman and retired to one of the many lavish chambers.

I dashed to my phone and called my now past girlfriend, "Listen", I said in a compassionate tone, "I don't want you to get mad, but I'm going to a brothel and before you go crazy the only reason I'm doing this is because here they have brothels IN the pyramids! And you go on horseback!" She enthusiastically urged me on and made me promise to take pictures, of course that was all I was permitted to do.

We then rushed to the haram and I paid a ridiculous amount to rent a horse but i didn't care! The horse's name was Rambo, what a fitting name for such a manly adventure! We galloped towards the pyramids; my guide, Rambo and I, and within minutes we arrived.

My guide stopped his steed, as did I, and stared at the pyramid. I stared at him blankly. "Where is the haram?" I exclaimed. "This is the haram" he said confusingly pointing to a gargantuan pyramid right in front of me. "Where are the women?!" I shouted feeling cheated and betrayed. "Women?!" said my guide even more baffled than before.

"Yes the women of the haram! I was promised I would see women inside the pyramid!" I shouted back. "This is the haram" said my guide pointing to the pyramid, "why are you..." then we both realized what had happened. Definitely not of the highlights of my life as a cultured human being, but it was legendary!

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Read my column every Saturday in the Daily Star! Pick up the next one Saturday Feb 26 2011: They're on Acid so they must die.

I LOVE BOOTY

I don’t live, I live love, love through bicentennial romance of a quintessential song dance, a reminiscent globe trot inside an incandescent rose blot. A forty-year-old joke fought with a twenty-year-old hoax over a tab in a car left by the coat jock.

But only one man rose from the ashes to claim his prize and his name was serenity inside his eyes. He lived long but prospered little, in the ways of women he was considered fiddle. Crimson thunder streaked ‘cross the sky and in her name was rendered shy.

Like mizu to a mirage, wakarimasita-ka? She was out of reach held asunder by a pushup bra. Supporting nothing more than a vivid dream in a brazzers seam and a pristine gleam, suddenly, life more obscene was just a proper angle shot in a movie scene.

A profile picture and a tweeting twitcher, orchestrated to the finest pitcher, inside a fork of twang and the thighs and fangs of a gleaming twilight blunder.

Oh how life deals decks of cards and sex but never falters to leave the steps of wonder beyond us. What could have been or what would have been, questions left to haunt us as the mind creeps up inside our steel plaid cups left half full or half empty, but never plenty.

A curvaceous figure none beg to differ but many plot to quiver. In seeking heat and passion’s feast all shall sacrifice their liver.

Do not despair there is no care nor wonder left to fondle, as long as seats will ground their chairs and whip their emotional strong-hold. Through denial’s state we fluctuate like market crises reverberate, I do not care I have no hair but my bank account follicles.

And sometimes there, over there, far, far away, the sheep cried wolf and yet it hugged the assailant. Holding tight it feigned the bites of the eyes that reigned to taint it. But love was strong and so the bond broke through conventional stroke and chatterbox folk in geriatric paced derangement.

And the result? A wolf is tamed but born again inside his answer.

How often we seek and in friendship defeat the purpose of our masked intentions. To only find we are trapped and confined inside a hopeless concession. A disowned ghetto a Jared Leto and dolled up steel stilettos, all one and the same some true some bane but all deserve attention.

If life was but a memory, a collection of thoughts in felony, stolen moments in fleeting cars and convertible Molotov bizarres, how simple a measure of worth would be if scales tipped and sexes dipped in tea-bag like fixed hegemony.

She woke one day and to her dismay her infatuated state of concern had run astray, inside her mind she was at bay but never felt the blunder; or was it just the memory that stung like misguided tremory from a tectonic shift in a plate imbalance of wounded personality? An ego booed is an ego fooled but thicker in the fire. Once it burns it trickles ferns yet crackles in desire.

So in simplicity I lay and wonder how easy it is to live love when love is smarter, detached from emotional understanding of what is proper and in tune with intelligent understanding of what is emotion. And in that light I do respite as I can simply manifest, it is no secret when I confess, that damn it I love booty.

Happy Valentines Day

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Read my column every Saturday in the Daily Star! Pick up the next one Saturday Feb 119 2011: A Brothel in Egypt?

TALK TO THE HAND…

…‘Cause I’m a highly evolved mutant symbiotic organism and that’s where my ears are, in the palm of my hand.

Some people might find this disadvantageous, and indeed it does have its drawbacks, but the positives far out weigh the negatives.

I think it best to begin with the drawbacks. I would have to say probably the worst consequence is the inability to enjoy the seemingly popular act of the “high-five”, the slapping of the palms of two distinct individuals in celebration of a recent victorious occasion, such as the apprehension of a woman in one’s chambers in the case of a man or a parody of the shallowness of man in celebrating the apprehension of a woman in one’s chambers while in fact the man slept alone with a blow up doll in the case of a woman.

However, shaking hands can sometimes be enjoyable, especially with a Lebanese man with sweaty palms eager to show his pseudo-alpha male status through a needlessly firm grip that threatens the very foundation of the molecular structure of the receiving end’s metacarpal structure. The sweatiness and vacuum of air make for an enjoyable listening experience, sort of like the sound of the ocean in a seashell.

I greatly dislike drinking sparkling water or soda of any kind.

Push-ups are incredibly frustrating as are most upper body exercises, resulting with my boasting a fantastic lower physique but practically non-existent upper torso significance. This not only makes it difficult to attract females of the human race but mating becomes even more incredibly awkward for a myriad of reasons I leave to your skillful imagination.

However apart from those major flops in the movie of my life the rest is a two-thumbs up Siskel and Ebert extravaganza.

Counting money is a joy in and of itself. However paired with the ability to both touch and hear the bills as they course their way through your hand is more satisfying than unchallenged dictatorship, and this pleasure would bring a healthy boost to the economy as all would be more inclined to hustle for a living instead of rely on quick money making schemes; bank transfers make no sound.

Fistfights also become the method of choice for settling disputes. Once the mind is set and the palm is closed the ears can’t hear the sound of inflicted pain therefore allowing one to complete his/her course of action without wasted hesitation due to pity. This not only decreases death but also burns calories decreasing the risk of heart attack.

Death of innocent bystanders in gunfights, drive by’s, or in states of war and strife are reduced to a probability of approximately 0.132% as guns are an open hand palm to stem mechanism that all will find undesirable; the recoil is a killer. This extends into the realm of handheld weaponry, or street coined “bludgeoning and stabbing devices”, such as the club, knife, sickle and steel girder to name a few.

This leaves me with the final scenario of the need to rebel to satisfy the need for individuality, versus the resulting conformity through rebellion to satisfy the need to belong and its obvious negatives.

Youth will be able to raise a clenched fist to the air showing dissent however clenching of the fist will render them deaf to the baseless words of so-called leaders who speak only to satisfy the need to make up for their lack of girth in the manhood department, as many currently do in Lebanon.

The above advantages will usher in an era of peace much needed in Lebanon.

Alternatively, a series of gentlemen’s agreements or charismatic wise speakers could do the same, however Tupac Shakur was killed in 1996 and Lebanon has yet to provide an answer.

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Read my column every Saturday in the Daily Star! Pick up the next one Saturday Feb 12 2011: I Love Booty

Naked Exposure

Exposure. Who would’ve thought one word representing an ever complex and growing concept could take this world by storm more than religion itself, be more desirable than a woman in our oldest profession could ever dream to make you feel, or grab you dead center like the weight of an anvil caught between your chest and the air.

Seems all everyone cares about these days is exposure, the secret ticket, the magic bullet, with exposure, everything is possible. Whether it’s Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton literally laying it all bare to entice their careers or, hey wait a second, why the classic drawl on Hollywood superstars? Take a look at our Kim Kardashians and Paris Hiltons, and no they’re not just women, our male and female (just like our friends overseas) members of the so-called social elite do it all the time.

Whether you’re actually a signed artist or in the same league, seems all it takes to get you there these days is a methodical approach to popping bottles in the early hours of the morning in a club. It’s all about the hook up. Who you know and how fast you can get it, determines how high you’ve climbed, it also determines in many cases “who” you’ve climbed as well.

Please don’t mistaken this to be an attack, no rather this is homage, to the one social concept that underlines practically everything everyone does. Yes, everyone.

Everyone has an opinion and everyone isn’t content until its heard, and all anyone needs these days is presentation. If it looks good it must be legit, right? Think about it, if Kim was ugly who would care? And if a blog page, tweet or FaceBook status is ugly, or to bring it more into context is not “viral-worthy”, who cares?

The most legit are those who follow the flow of the status quo, the mass, those willing to bank on against the tide will often be screwed. And that’s actually pretty damn fun to watch, because sometimes it works out and oh boy what a shift in the tide it is!

But let’s get back on topic here, exposure. It sells the world, its what fills up the mosques and churches, sells the product, brings in the votes, accumulates the wealth, brings in the numbers.

Exposure, fame, notoriety, popularity, all one and the same, all finally measurable to a more or less extent in our brand new beautiful digital world, measurable by numbers and numbers achieve desire.

I used the word desire on purpose by the way, it has somewhat of a negative connotation but that was just to throw you off, desire can be positive. Some people desire good, desire change, some people use exposure as a means to an end.

Let me put it this way, everyone wants to be friends with the person most loved and admired because that person is the most seemingly inaccessible. However you could pop more bottles in a club than Ghandi spent days on hunger strikes but unless you accomplish something its all just a fad wave we’re riding.

Exposure, a propeller driving force behind most of what’s wrong with today and some of what’s right.

So in that light, I’d like to welcome you all to my weekly bit of exposure here at the Daily Star! Hope you like it, retweet it, and spread it in the blogosphere ‘cause this is going to be one hell of a ride. The more you do the more I can measure its success, and today, measurement has just made exposure infinitely sexier. Fantastic.

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EPIC Win or EPIC Fail?

Well, it has been quite some time now, a few weeks in I have started to lose track and the tour is going strong, EPIC, it is called, and EPIC it will be, but what is the result of it all?

Stand Up Comedy as an industry is full of hurdles, I have done much in my life, worked in many industries and achieved countless victories, but I can tell you nothing has ever come close to the difficulties we are dealing with in stand up comedy, not just myself but all the comics across the Middle East I know and am meeting, its cut throat and we are dwarfed with an uphill battle unlike any other.

This tour has been no different, the Middle East is not prepared for cultural events of this kind, promoters and producers are non-existent and venues are irrationally priced. Governments have a cow when you say I don't have a script, they constantly are in fear of an industry that is not regulated, controlled and conformed, and at its essence stand up comedy is an industry regulated not by governing bodies but by crowds of laughter echoing approval or disapproval.

That is what makes Stand Up Comedy incredible, unique and beautiful, but also tough to push, its not in the favor of a lot of parties. Its not dumb and easily stupidified like our current commercial music industry.

So truly making this more than a fad or a one act avenue is taking a monumental effort.

Here is what I have gathered, in my humble opinion, on what its all really about:

1. Its NOT about just selling out shows: Although this is not an easy task, in fact selling out in the sea of alternatives is daunting, but persist long enough and prove quality and you will sell out shows, but its not enough to have sell out acts.
2. Its NOT about media interest: Press coverage, TV interviews and/or TV shows do little more than simply provide some attention and possibly some credibility, with some much more than others, but the market is so over saturated and market data is in such denial of itself media interest is close to being something I wouldn't even factor in, and I have gathered this much from not just Lebanon, but Amman, UAE, Kuwait, Cairo, and Oman.
3. Its NOT about getting an agent or representative: There is no industry for an agent or representative to take care of you in, and more importantly there are no real true to the meaning agents or representatives! (I also include managers in this description)
4. It IS about Community: In the United States, for instance, stand up comedy thrives around a community of avid comic and entertainment fans, established clubs and venues catering to this community and talent agents managers and producers constantly looking for the next big thing to expand and capitalize on this community, and of course a plethora of comics.
   

We have yet to establish our community. The only way to do so is to begin with one central focal point where interest is compacted and ebbs forward reverberating throughout its surroundings.

Lebanon has the strongest form of community for Stand Up Comedy at the moment, the most comics and the closest thing to solid venues for comedy so it only logically follows that with all of that going for it, I believe Lebanon is the best candidate for our aforementioned focal point.

EPIC was much more than just a string of shows, it was a project of discovery, a test of theory and an attempt to turn that theory into practice. I was incorrect in assuming it was too soon for our next step, and I am glad my travels thus far have proven as such.

I therefore will be making an enormous announcement in the coming days. I have decided to change my original plan for EPIC in Lebanon, maintaining the date, but creating a much different kind of animal.

I am beyond excited to share the news with you, to tell you of what I believe will be the greatest single thing to happen for the artistic community in years, but at the moment I can only tell you in the next few days I shall bear news that will capture your imagination!

EPIC Fail or EPIC Win, I vote WIN! But I shall leave you to be the judge of that :D

For now I can update you with the following, this Friday we hit Dubai and the atmosphere is super charged! I have been posting videos like crazy if you missed them checkout www.youtube.com/enjoylifeinegeneral they are on the top right, latest uploaded videos :)

Oh! And we launched a website for the tour! www.epicthetour.com check it out! Click on like to spread it on facebook and help get the word out! :D

I will be uploading some footage from the show in Amman today hopefully.

For now I bid you goodbye, but I'll see you again in a couple of days for one mother of an announcement!

One Love,

Nemr Abou Nassar - Unicorn Tamer

EPIC

It feels good to be able to put aside the time to write you all again! It has been so long, and for this, I apologize.

I am getting ready to leave on tour, this is, mind you, not only my first full on tour across the Middle East but the first time a stand up comedian takes a feature show across the Middle East ever.

This has proved to be both fantastic and a nightmare. Fantastic in that it's historical, a challenge like no other, and simply a chance to change the face of entertainment forever, again.

A nightmare when it comes to putting this together. As I am sure you can all imagine, the Middle East can prove to be somewhat difficult to traverse especially when dealing with promoters and producers who all claim to know exactly what they're doing yet prove to have but the slightest clue, if even that!

I am so thankful that I was put on the path of working with K + D entertainment, a Jordanian company without whom I could not have imagined putting on something of this scale. They have proven to be some of the most honest, straight-forward, hard working group of people I have come to know, and may I add that they have left no stone unturned and exhausted every possible resource to end up finding what I believe to be the finest people in the business to work with throughout the Middle East.

And bless them for that! I can assure you finding the right people to work with is THE nightmare!

But it has now turned into nothing but a dream! My production company, Vanguard Productions, has also been hard at work into turning this whole tour into a historic success, and with us working side by side with K + D I can only imagine what the outcome will be production wise.

We leave this Saturday for Jordan, where only five days later I am to stand up in front of a crowd of some 2,000 Jordanians (what a beautiful people), put on the best show of my life, go to sleep, and then wake up the next day and do it again!

From there it just keeps building momentum. From Jordan, to Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Oman, Bahrain, Qatar, Kuwait, Cairo and then finally Beirut.

In each city we are going to create history, with enormous shows and enormous standards to set. Just thinking about the venues I will be performing in puts a huge smile on my face and sets my heart on fire!

To think that just a few years ago I would struggle to convince a pub in Beirut to let me try out something called "Stand Up Comedy" to now, well, this.

It feels like a dream, one you would never wish to arise from. And despite the insurmountable challenges, the unending obstacles, and the fact that we are attempting what none have attempted before all of this does little more than act as a catalyst to an adrenaline rush so powerful I feel like we are going to move mountains from the very earth that bore them.

I can't even begin to imagine how things will be when this is over!

Right now though all I am focusing on is putting on the most EPIC show of my life, I cannot wait to laugh with my brothers and sisters all across the Middle East, nor can I wait for that stage romance I feel every time I step in front of a crowd as if part of a forbidden affair I am only able to experience but for an hour and a half but deems worthy of a lover I remember for a lifetime.

Coming up with the name for my new show was obviously inspired by what we had our sights on, because I did not have a doubt in my mind that we would achieve it.

But living up to the promise of the show is an endeavor I have spent every moment of the past year preparing for. Even when I was in the Improv in Los Angeles on a stage in front of a crowd of Americans who were watching a stand up comedian from the Middle East for the first time in their lives tell them about farting and airplanes in his own perspective, even then I had this tour in my mind.

I must go to sleep now but this Saturday I make my way to Jordan, and along with me are the finest people I know, they work with me in Vanguard Productions and they work for my success and I have the most love and respect for them in the world. And K + D will meet us in Jordan where we will spend the next two months working side by side to change the Middle East forever.

Now that all is prepared I am very pleased to announce the following:

A website for the tour is in its final stages and will be launched this coming week.

A video blog will document all of my travels and the shows throughout the tour and will be posted on YouTube for you to be with us every step of the way!

And I will be updating this blog on a VERY frequent basis, this shall become more or less my diary as I document a life changing experience.

For now I am left overwhelmed and speechless at the feeling of love and support you have all given me. As always I promise to give you the best night of comedy of your lives, it is the least I could do in return for the love you have shown me.

I only ask that you help spread the word, help me make a reality out of what we have dreamed of for so long. A Middle East united through its youth through love and laughter, without pathetic boundaries of politics and religion.

EPIC marks the next stage in the triumph of our collective will over the sins of our past wars and baseless disputes.

Let us invite the world to our stage, our theater, our venue, let us make the walls tremble and the ground tremor for this is our show, our time, our victory.

This is No Politics, No Religion, ONE LOVE.

THIS IS EPIC.

One Love,

Nemr Abou Nassar

Do you have my back?

Welcome all to my fourth Blag, the verb to blog, where I share with you many trials, tribulations, and nude pics and indecent sex tapes! Speaking of which here is the link to my scandalous nude photoshoot! Oh wait, sorry I forgot, I don't depend on empty hype to get people interested, silly me!

So life is somewhat back to normal and Made in USA was an epic success, honestly I am in a great place in my life right now. I feel this momentum building up just like when I first started doing stand up years ago, like a new era of awesomeness is coming!

Can't you feel it though? Is it just me or is the artistic community in Lebanon coming back to life? I remember when I first started stand up the biggest resounding argument against it was what are you going to become an artist? It was looked down upon, as if it were a way of life for those who fail. Today tens of true artists are emerging and with it the turn around of art as a negative. Also with it, the realization of exactly how much hustle it takes to make anything out of yourself as an artist.

Lebanon, in my opinion, is at the beginning of a new age of artists who will lead the change this country has needed for far too long. I have always believed our salvation lied in our generation, the youth, as we are the only ones who have the ability to truly not factor in the sins of our fathers, so to speak. It saddens me when I see youth following political leaders and channeling their voice through that of others who only mirror personal interests, but more and more are joining the side of true progress, speaking their mind in big and creative ways and Amen to that.

Now on to some big announcements! First of all here is a picture montage of the awesomeness of Made in USA:



Notice the Japanese? I figure what better way to announce my upcoming Middle East tour! It contains the name and date of launch, good times! Click on the picture to see it in a different page on a larger scale if you like :)

Well now that we have gotten the tour out of the way, let's talk about the web series. I am about to share with you a lot of detail of the project so prepare for a lengthy post, I assure you however everything I am writing is important and I am sharing this with you in detail because you, after all, are just as important to the success of this project than anything else.

I announced this in Made in USA, and that was why the Made in USA show was so online centered, if you noticed I did almost all of my promotion exclusively on twitter and facebook, I wanted to make sure the online community was involved because, well, to make this thing happen I need you! And I figure if the show is insanely well done, you'll help me out, and as you always have, support me to the extent that makes me want to tattoo all your names on my manly hairy chest!

When I was in the US I decided to fund a production that would dwarf any TV show filmed in the Middle East and would be a truly incredible unbelievably hilarious comedy show that would not only capture audiences all over the Middle East, but in fact be the first export of our culture to the world. After three years of tireless efforts in the Media Industry in the region I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt my vision could not be executed by the pathetic excuse for a media industry we have and all they care about is money, which they claim they never have, and just doing whatever to fill a bracket so they can sell advertisement to gain revenue because, you see, the media industry controls the rating agencies especially in Lebanon. And if you were wondering are the ratings in Lebanon fixed? The answer is YES. 400 homes represent the entire rating structure of Lebanon FAIL. It used to be 138.

How do we know its fixed? Simple, companies who are spending incredible amounts of money on TV campaigns are seeing no noticeable increase in sales or in brand equity. Sponsoring my radio show for a meager amount by comparison has yielded a much more quantifiable result. This distorts the market as companies waste money, products get confusing, and messages can't be delivered to the public, yet the rating agency figures say they are reaching the public, when they are not. How many of you watch TV in Lebanon anymore? Lebanese programming? When was the last time you got excited about a Lebanese show for more than a few episodes? S.L. Chi was for me back when I was in grade school.

So my decision was simple, the money is there, I went about and purchased all the equipment we would need and I can proudly say no one can match the technology we will be using, nor the techniques. Its all talk now, and talk is cheap, but I am trying to give people an idea of what level of production to expect.

Here is what the show is. First of all its a collaboration between Vanguard Productions (my company) and BlackSmith Studios (my childhood friend and the equal of a brother Rabih Haddad's company, whom I made fun of at the show :D). BlackSmith Studios is an incredible 3D animation company, I'm not just saying that, they have been featured in publications all over the globe and it is a fact they are leading 3D animation in the Middle East and have made a huge effect globally. Vanguard Productions is everything you would expect from a company run by me, insane, crazy, passionate, and willing to take on anything.

The concept is simple, starting September we will begin filming. We have written over 60 sketches that vary from downright controversial to incredibly silly, all are hilarious and as always I am trying to deliver a message. We will be filming these. They include video clips for songs we are working on, parodies, as well as acted sketches and the casting for this is massive. We are casting for talent not just actors, anything from artists to musicians to weird talents you would never think of to actors and actresses.

The show will be filmed in front of a live audience of at least 500 people, an epic event, 13 episodes so probably 13 shows, each show will be 25 minutes long and will consist of me doing Stand Up Comedy and subsequently introducing a sketch on the topic of my stand up then playing it and coming back to more of basically stand up and sketches. Very similar to the infamous Chapelle show. We will also be featuring Lebanese artists (bands, photographers, painters, musicians, MC's, poets, etc.....) at the end of every show, as this is true exposure.

That is as quick a summary as I can give. The content of the show will be off the hook, I have absolutely NO restrictions. So expect an incredible experience. The production value will be better than TV, the content will be beyond anything that could be put on TV, and it will all be for free for you to watch at any time on YouTube.

Very soon we will be moving forward to request talent, at the moment we are still preparing the logistics of this project, the scale is enormous, but as our schedule looks right now in 10 - 15 days we will be moving into talent recruitment and shooting literally begins a week or two after.

Ready for the second half of the details? Its going to get financial here, I am about to spell out how I intend to make this not be the end of my career financially as I am putting everything I have into this, I will also explain in more detail how this will change the media industry forever and how one person truly can make a difference, but it takes sacrifice.

We are aiming for 50,000 - 100,000 views per video per week at least. This is ambitious to say the least, online videos especially in Lebanon have not been that successful especially since our connection is the equivalent of the experience of giving birth, much suffering but once the process is complete, much joy. In our case we consider a download sometimes a miracle much like the birth of a baby.

However this is not intended just for Lebanon, we intend to sweep the Middle East with this project. But Lebanon is the core of it all. So we're screwed, right? Wrong. We have been coming up with innovative ways to solve this problem and I can safely say for approximately 85% of the population we have a solution where you will be able to stream our video, in high definition 720P within seconds. You won't have to pause from the second you press play. I can't announce the mechanism behind this yet as we are still in talks with many parties to get this done but I can safely say this will work.

With views happening online we can offer value to advertisers, and yes there will be advertisements in the show, we can do what the whole media industry in Lebanon can't, give facts. I can tell an advertiser EXACTLY how many people watched the episode, on which dates, from which countries, and here is the added bonus, we will conceptualize produce and film the advertisement for free, it is embedded in the advertisement cost. It will be smart, witty, hilarious and entertaining and it will be embedded forever in the video so advertisement for life, and the cost of it all will be ridiculously less than for TV with a MUCH higher exposure that is extremely focused and quantifiable.

We will do the commercials because we want to ensure that even the advertisement is entertaining to our viewers and actually become looked forward to. And if your wondering one of Vanguard Productions' areas of excellence specializes in commercials as well as film, think of us like a Ninja and a Samurai having a baby.

The money from the advertisement will help ensure the longevity of the show as it will go right back into making it bigger and better every season. This isn't your everyday online blog, a few minutes with a handy cam, this is a full on production, a full season 13 episodes per season, thousands of hours of work to produce.

With that money we will be able to assure the scope gets bigger, why is that important? 2 reasons:

1. Comedy - Finally a show that kicks serious ass, is incredibly funny, can be watched on demand at any time, really makes a difference in society and goes places where no other show goes and although it will have advertisement and/or sponsors they have no say whatsoever in the programming of the show.
   
2. Exposure - All the talent we feature, whether in the sketches or at the end of the show, finally a show that getting on will launch your career, put you in the limelight and set the standard. 5 minutes on Conan O'Brien can change your life, that's because of exposure, we will be providing that.

So what happens if advertisers want control? They don't want to get on board? Simple, we don't sell advertisements. The show goes on for free and it ROCKS. Season one is already funded and if the show is a huge success my exposure will increase I will do more show and fund season 2 myself and so on and so forth.

I refuse, completely and entirely, to give in to cheap advertising gimmicks and most importantly to allow the media industry to continue in this manner. I ask you all to join me hand in hand, to support me so we all rise together, a show free of politics religion and full of One Love, focusing on nothing but comedy but being revolutionary in aligning itself with true causes, we will support charities, we will suport and bring into the spotlight injustice wherever it may be, we will give exposure to the true artists of the Middle East and of course Lebanon, no more Rotana bullshit no more whack acts, and we will have one of the greatest adventures together doing it, and above all it will be f-ing hilarious.

This will break the monopoly of advertisements in Lebanon, it will destroy the status quo of shitty programming and recycling game shows from abroad, and it will be the beginning of another revolution, just like what stand up comedy did to the region this will do more. And just so you know, no body is going to be happy about this, existing monopolies will try to crush this, the media industry will try to downplay and stop it, and my reputation will be attacked in the process. The scope of change this will bring will make existing luxuries of many obsolete, and put the so-called "artists" of now out of business as the true era of art comes forth.

Bring it on. I have no affiliations, I bow to no political interests, I don't identify myself by religion, and I answer to no one. Except, for you. My allegiance is to all of you, what you have given me I will not rest until you have seen the extent of my appreciation and I do not take your support lightly, you have given me the ability to live my dream and in return I am taking everything that I have gained from it and putting it on the line to give you back even more. I love you guys, you are my family, and I can't wait to laugh with you guys and create a true feeling of brothers and sisters amongst us all, united through art appreciation and comedy!

So I ask you all, do you have my back?

One Love.

A competition FOR THE AGES!

Well here we are, at the end of what some would call the most exciting competition ever created by mere mortals, others would call worthy of the nectar of the bosom of Zeus' appraise, and others might call 1-800-GHOSTBUSTERS

Call it what you wish, here are the pictures that changed Lebanon forever.

The competition was divided between Twitter and Facebook. And I have 3 pairs of tickets to giveaway. 1 pair for Twitter users and 2 for Facebook. Let the games begin!

I asked for the most insane outrageous epic hilarious pictures of yourself or that you took.

First let's take a look at our Twitter submissions. To enter the competition you simply had to hashtag #nemrtix and mention@nemrcomedy, here are the submissions:

@PhilippeMa kicked things off with this riveting entry. My Take: Van Gogh meets Colonialism - a riveting piece.

@neomaru responded with this EPIC entry. My take: How to look like you purposefully wanted to be at the beach in jeans and a jacket - brilliant.

@Slutterhouse one of the most exciting bands touring the world today decided to rape and pillage with this entry. My take: I may be naked but at least I am wearing hair - manly.

@JimRamK brought in some photoshop power as he decided to climb Taipei. My Take: Photoshop - let's impress the ladies. Impressed.

@funkyozzi who some call the dean of twitter, others the dean of their lives, wrapped things up with this entry. My take: Nose, Lens, Lens, Nose. Introduced.


AND THE WINNER OF TWO VAS (VERY AWESOMELY SEATED) TICKETS IS:

@Slutterhouse - Congratulations. Its one thing for a man to pose like this to make for a sensual poster. When that same man enters it into a comedy competition, meaning he doesn't take himself so seriously like the thousands of artists who do nothing but pose and have no content, it shows personality originality and not only does that ensure that Slutterhouse will sound and survive and prosper, coupled with the image itself it lands itself as a definite I will never forget that image and I simply laughed my ass off.



AND NOW FOR THE FACEBOOK PORTION OF OUR GLORIOUS COMPETITION:

For this portion I chose the top 10 pictures of over 50 entries! Below I will be posting the pic I loved that DIDN'T make the competition. Rules were simple, I added the likes and comments together giving each picture a score, top ten scores made this list and the winner shall be chosen:

It began with this beautiful couples shot submitted by Ralph Melhem. My Take: For a face like that, she must have been doing something INCREDIBLE in the portion of the picture we can't see. Equally, he might be in big trouble and, well, you can kiss those testicles good bye.

Shortly thereafter Charly Hallak responded with this piece. My take: Surprise, I'm not a woman.

Rabih Hallak came back with this entry. My take: Overnighting, it simply doesn't yield results.

Maya Khairallah then posted this piece of eye candy. My take: Killer nuns. EPIC.

Jessica Habib then posted this, she wrote: "Even on stage we seem Lesbian". My take: May the lord bless you many times over in return for this blessing to men everywhere.

Myriam H. Mattar II, yes the second, submitted this. My take: Who needs looks when you can make the ladies laugh.

Belle Savage posted this picture. My take: Very risky move, was I looking for a simple picture just emphasizing your looks? Dinner?

Daniel LeFebvre posted this. My take: Daniel LeFebvre.

Saad El Dine Haroun posted this picture. My take: Montage, post is for pussies.

Christina A. Rizk capped off our top ten list with this one. My take: High Five! Just kidding JUST KIDDING!


AND NOW FOR THE TWO WINNERS OF OUR EPIC COMPETITION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:

Congratulations Ralph Melhem! You get two VAS (very awesomely seated) tickets for your and your girl. This picture simply screams "Yes my girl is hot, but my face is beautiful." Spontaneous, spur of the moment, and hilarious, loved it!

AND

Congratulations Jessica Habib for your two VAS tickets! Another spontaneous picture, not intended to convey what it conveys but it does, and that's what puts you ahead of the game. Add to it the fact that any man who does not support the conveyance of love between two women is not a man at all and I'll see you on August 8!

AND NOW FOR THE PICTURE THAT I WANTED IN THE COMPETITION BUT WAS NOT VOTED IN:(

Submitted by Caren El Mouzawak I almost had a heart attack when I saw this one. Destined to scar our minds for all eternity this would have been a definite winner. My take: Caren you don't have to do this, there are organizations that will protect you.


So congratulations to all our winners! I will see you on August 8 at Edde Sands! For all those who want to buy tickets they are on sale at all branches of Virgin Megastores across Lebanon and if you are currently outside of the country log on to www.ticketingboxoffice.com to buy yours online!

And check out the event page and keep posting pics! People still are and there a LOT of pics that are f-ing INCREDIBLE that you would surely enjoy! Click here!

One Love :)

Free Tickets to Made in USA!

Just in case you didn't get an epileptic seizure from the background I am re posting the artwork on the left, its for my new show Made in USA which I am bringing with me from the USA and sharing it with you all for one night only on August 8 at Edde Sands!

Here is how you can win tickets to the show :D

1. For Twitter: Upload the most outrageous picture of yourself, mention me @nemrcomedy and use hashtag #nemrtix and the top ten most retweeted pics will be posted here on my blog for all to see and I will choose the winner from them! Only other condition follow me on twitter!

2. For YouTube: Upload a vid of you doing something, anything, funny outrageous wierd you name it! Doesn't matter how long it is all that matters is it is fun to watch! Post your entry on my channel wall at enjoylifeingeneral. You must be a subscriber to enter!

3. For Facebook: Join the event Nemr live in Made in USA! Invite your friends and post the most outrageous picture to the event wall you have, top ten pics with most likes and comments will be posted to my blog too and I will choose a winner!

So what are you waiting for, let's make this the craziest online competition EVER!!!!

Can't wait to see your awesomeness :D

One Love :)

PS! Tix are on sale at all branches of Virgin Megastores and online at www.ticketingboxoffice.com as of Saturday July 24!

My first ever BLAG!

Ok so maybe blag is not the right word, but I figure if you tweet when you use twitter you should at least blag when you blag! on a blog!

Kicking off this whole blog blag thingy I will take this time to mention that I have a show coming up on August 8 at Edde Sands in Lebanon!

You can win tickets to the show by FIRST doing any of the following (the more the better your chances!):

1. Join my FaceBook Fan Page

2. Follow me on Twitter!

3. Subscribe to my channel on YouTube!


Details of the competition coming soon!

I am blagging from LA at the moment, back to Lebanon August 1st! I have been here for about four months now, between LA, New York and even Houston and my new show, which I have ingeniously called "Made in USA" (yes I know even I was amazed at the epic originality) is just about ready for the stage in Lebanon!

Also I got stuck in France due to the Volcano eruption in Iceland, if I remember correctly it was called Mount Juhipoiielkbusilhnnnnejeifipeiuuuropoeo 32. So those two weeks also worked their way into my show :D

And a HUGE thank you to @FunkyOzzi (follow her on twitter she rocks!) for helping me set up this blog! She told me its important and God damn it when a woman tells you something you'd better listen!

One Love :)